Dear Google, “Can You Get Crabs From a Ferret?”

  • February 17, 2014

When writing a spec1 or a pilot2, sometimes you have to “conduct research” (Google stuff) to ensure the authenticity of your script.

For example, if you create a story line that (hypothetically) involves a new pet ferret bringing crabs (the STD) into the lead character’s apartment, causing a crab outbreak, which results in the lead character attempting to conceal the outbreak with a botched clean-up effort, you might first have to find out — “Can you even get crabs from a ferret?”

If you don’t do your homework, someone who is more knowledgeable about crabs will be distracted by thoughts like, “Hey, you can’t get crabs from a ferret…And it’s not even legal to own a ferret in California!” instead of laughing at how brilliant and hilarious your script is.

Below are a list of some Google searches I conducted while writing scripts:

Can you get crabs from a ferret?

Is it legal to own a ferret in California?

Do crabs travel in trails or do they scatter?

How do you get rid of crabs?

Is cat-AIDS a thing?

How do you get pink eye?

Is it PC to describe someone as “Mediterranean?”

In Lose Yourself by Eminem, is it “Feet fail me not” or “Beat fail me not?” (It’s feet.)


Creative ways to commit suicide

Where do rich old dudes drink in LA?

What is the preferred liquor for rich men?

What do rich men say about women and money?

Expensive toys for rich people

What are common W.A.S.P. names?

Christian Bale in American Psycho

What’s that saying about a step forward for mankind and a giant leap backwards?

Stupid inventions for lazy drunks

What’s a skin tag?

Why are kids so allergic to everything these days?

What is a lipid profile?

What actors are known for ruining ever movie they’ve ever been in? (Nicolas Cage makes every list.)

What is a Hindu religious leader called? (A priest)

Child soldiers

Types of lemon pie

Jewish last names that start with a “Z”

Did I make up the phrase “everything you touch turns to shit?” (No.)

Will a network let you spill wine on a baby’s face in a scene? (We’ll see.)

  1. a new episode of an existing TV show that serves as a writing sample for aspiring TV writers 

  2. the very first episode of a prospective television series that is used to sell the show to a television network 

1 Comment on "Dear Google, “Can You Get Crabs From a Ferret?”"

  • Amy Morales says

    This list looks suspiciously similar to what you might find in my browser history on any given Tuesday afternoon.

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