Natural Selection Weeds Out People Like Me
Three months ago, I had a severe allergic reaction to Kiehl’s Creme de Corps, which caused my body to go up in flames in the middle of a Writers Guild reception. Then my lungs shut down. Then, I had an allergic reaction to dye in the Benadryl that I took to remedy the allergic reaction to the Kiehl’s…and my head swole up like a cankle.
So I called in some favors and snuck to CVS to pick up a prescription for an Epi-Pen.
Detective Cankle-Face sneaking to CVS to pick up an Epi-pen.
(By the way, I’d like to thank the douchebag who left this tragic hat in the backseat of my car. It is perfect for going undercover. And nothing else. Making that douchebag worth exactly one damn.)
So I picked up the Epi-pen, but I got cold feet about taking it. If anyone were to have an adverse reaction to an Epi-pen, it would be me — the girl who is allergic to Benadryl. So I drove to the parking garage of the ER at Cedar Sinai. That way, if I had an adverse reaction to the Epi-pen, I could just stumble into the ER (and die in the waiting room because that’s really the only thing ER waiting rooms are good for). FYI, I hate doctors like most black people hate cops, so I try to avoid any interaction with health care professionals, if at all possible.
So I took the Epi-pen in my car in the parking garage of the ER at Cedar Sinai, and my lungs and eyes opened up immediately. Praise God!! I had to sit in the parking garage for another 45 minutes because the medicine made me too jittery to drive. But, alas, I could breathe again! Yay!!
The pharmacist also gave me this little beauty.
I cried when they handed her to me. I was in love.
The Epi-pen and the inhaler helped me to not die. That’s not nothing. However, it took a full three months to fully recover. Spring 2014 has been a slew of eye drops, nasal sprays, allergy pills, and steroid creams. I’ve had to use my inhaler four times just to get through one cardio hip hop class (but I’m no quitter)! I haven’t been able to wear my contacts. I’ve also had seven hot flashes, which caused me to pass out on my bathroom floor three times, once on the floor of the Nordstrom Ladies Room Lounge, and once inside of the Erewhon bathroom.
Don’t worry. Natural selection weeds out people like me.
But I’m pleased to announce that I have finally conquered the “Allergic Reaction That Ate Spring 2014.” I’m baaaack!
Every time I get my hair trimmed, my stylist sends me out into the world with goddess braids like a 12-year-old girl.