Nobody Who Calls at 6 A.M. Has Anything Good to Say

  • May 16, 2014

I woke up this morning to a 6 a.m. phone call from my 20-year-old cousin who wanted to know if he could borrow $500 to buy a ticket to see Beyonce. He would pay me back when he gets paid.

(Um, no.)

Then he wanted to know if I was going to be in Houston this summer because he “might slide through to see some chicks who want to spend some time with” him. If I was going to be in town, I could meet some of them.

(Yeah. No.)

Then he wanted to know if he was old enough yet to talk to me about his sex life…And vice versa.

(HELL no.)

He didn’t want to talk to me about “sex,” e.g., “how does it work?” in which case, I could email him some of the same articles that I’ve been reading.

No. He wanted to talk to me about his active “sex life.” He wanted me to know that he is “emotionally, spiritually, and physically fulfilled” and wanted to know if I was too.

(GTFOH!)

Uh, good morning?

When your cousin who only calls once every other year calls at 6 a.m., you want to find out who died.

Turns out, the only thing that died was the chance that I’ll ever answer a 6 a.m. call from him again.

**** UPDATE (May 26): My cousin posted a screenshot on Instagram of his receipt for $570 for ONE “On the Run” ticket. Sure, he could have bought two tickets for $250/pop and brought one of these ladies he wanted to talk to me about. Instead, he bought ONE ticket so he could sit damn near in Beyonce’s lap during the show.

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